A note from us
R U OK? Day asks us to check in on the people we love. This year we wanted to sit with the other half of that question: what's out there when you're not OK?
Courtenay duBois is a private neurological strategist on the Gold Coast, and the founder of The Mirror™, an app described as “a mirror for the mind.” Used in the moment a big feeling hits — whether it's an argument, a knock at work, or a wave of sadness you can't quite understand — within thirty seconds it shows you the issue underneath the emotion and hands you a choice, rather than leaving you at the mercy of it.
It's private, personal, and free, without confrontation. No appointments. No bias. No vulnerability. Just leverage.
We asked Courtenay about the patterns in her life that led her to build it, what it's like to watch someone recognise their stories, and how moments of awareness can build incrementally.
The personal story
What was the pattern in your own life that made you go “I need to build something for this”?
Well as we know, behind every female entrepreneur is a woman who couldn’t find what she needed, so she built it.
I’ve always been the person everyone told their secrets to. Perhaps they felt safe because I had made a hell of a lot of mistakes early, so when I shared what I'd done, they felt they were doing okay by comparison.
I noticed early that whilst people felt comfortable telling me what was going on in their lives, they later felt regret. The vulnerability, the fact that someone knew their deepest feelings got to them, and they were worried about being judged. So was I.
I suffered that fear for many years, and so did clients in my professional career. I worked with all manner of people, from those who society would label “undesirable” to the most affluent of privileged influence. They all felt the same. We would get to the heart of what it was they were dealing with, have a complete breakthrough and gain clarity on what they actually wanted. Then they rebounded, usually when they didn't have me to hold the mirror day to day and give them the strength to stand by their convictions. I needed this too, and it was something I recognised after repeating patterns in professions, friendships and relationships that ultimately led to some pretty devastating consequences.
Was there a specific moment, a relationship, a job, a decision you kept repeating, that became the spark for The Mirror™?
Relationships are usually the biggest tell and where a person's wiring surfaces. Mine had always been turbulent, passionate and ultimately, cyclical. My relationship with myself and my body followed suit, and my career had also been wildly varied; a succession of things I found intriguing and inspiring, only to be bored within a couple of years and looking for the next experience.
I beat myself up about this all my life, using food, alcohol and other mechanisms to cope, until I thought, maybe, I just wanted different things. Maybe I was telling myself stories about life, love and work that didn't suit me.
That was when I became curious about the patterns I felt, and started to log what I was feeling day to day. If it was good, why? If it was bad, why? And what was I learning about myself when I started to listen instead of judge. That was the spark that began to bring freedom. Freedom to experiment with myself and my life. I taught myself, and I taught my clients too, in every case to great satisfaction. That's what sparked the idea for The Mirror™.
You've described it as a “mirror for the mind.” Where did that phrase come from?
The ‘mirror for the mind’ phrase conveys a truth: that we don't always want to look at ourselves.
Regardless of our state of circumstance, privilege or experience, we often tell ourselves what we should be, how we should act, what we should have, and how we should behave, so much so that it becomes very difficult to look in the mirror; let alone tell anyone what we really think and feel.
That is what The Mirror™ does. It allows honesty, sometimes brutal truth, and the reclamation of our emotions to bring our reality to the surface. It does this without requiring the presence of another, one who may carry experience, bias or agenda. We can therefore be ourselves, no matter how messy or ugly that may be in the moment. That kind of freedom is not only cathartic but powerful, raw, and it tells us a lot about what's dictating our thoughts, beliefs, actions and, by extension, our lives at large.
What it actually is
In plain terms, how does someone use The Mirror™ day to day?
The Mirror™ is used when you're feeling strong emotion. Anger following a fight with a partner. Sadness felt through loneliness or loss. Fear in high stakes negotiations at work. Guilt over your health, or a loss of motivation. Whenever a negative emotion is present, The Mirror™ steps in to bring clarity and perspective, allowing you to choose from a place of power rather than be at the mercy of circumstance.
No one else sees any of this. Not me, not a coach, not a friend, not the person you're upset with in a moment. It's yours alone, and that is deliberate. The reason I built it is so people are honest, so much more so when no one is watching. It is these emotional logs that compound, showing patterns, shifting mindset and allowing change incrementally, which is what ultimately breaks emotional patterns.
Getting started is simple:
- Create a free account at www.lookinthemirror.com.au
- Activate via email (check your spam folder)
- Save it to your phone screen
- Open it when you're feeling something
How it works
There are six major emotions wired into every human: anger, sadness, fear, hurt, guilt and shame. They are the drivers behind almost every decision, and everything in The Mirror™ is built around them.
The Free Pattern Interrupt™ Loop
- Log the emotion. Name what's interfering, rate it from one to ten and say where it's sitting in your life: relationship, work, family, finance, health or self.
- The Mirror™ reflects. Three layered reflections come back: the pattern underneath it, the stripped back truth of it, and the choices actually available to you.
- Take the pattern action. Two or three concrete things you can do in the next twenty four hours.
- Log what you did. The Mirror™ reviews what worked and whether it moved you toward what you said you wanted.
You draw a clear line between this and therapy, coaching, and journaling. What does it do that those don't?
Whilst therapy has its place, The Mirror™ stops the emotion in its tracks. The app is designed so time isn't wasted waiting for appointments or perspective. It calls the problem out instantly, so unbridled emotion won't cost you later. In thirty seconds you have clarity and perspective on whatever you're feeling and why. You're presented with points of view you may not have thought of. You see the situation from outside the emotion. And you're empowered to make a choice and take action, from a rational perspective that supports your development.
Therapy talks about the problem. Coaching tells you what to do, without addressing why you won't. Journalling gives you logs without leverage. The Mirror™ maps your patterns and helps you break them once and for all.
What does “getting sharper the more you use it” actually look like in practice?
Over time, as you log, The Mirror™ learns your wiring and patterns. It reflects your propensities and blind spots back. Not to blame or win the argument, but to show you where you're sabotaging yourself.
Once you know, you can choose to shift.
By interrupting the emotion, which is always free, The Mirror™ learns what you do and don't do, what you like and dislike, what you see and don't see, and offers ways to expand your perspective. Before long you are thinking differently. You're building new pathways that open your mind to greater possibilities. You're seeing opportunity instead of lack, possibility instead of dead ends. Simply by logging what doesn't feel good and reading the suggestions presented, you're shifting the way you see your world day to day.
Someone starts with the free app and finds it useful. Where does it go from there?
- Phase one is seeing it. That's the free app, and for a lot of people it's all they ever need. You log what you're feeling, you see what's really underneath it, you interrupt the pattern.
- Phase two is understanding it. This is where The Mirror Speaks Back™ gives you perspective in real time, in the wake of the conflict, the conversation, the decision. It's also where The Neurological Vault™ delivers your personal operating manual: your wiring, your settings for success, the areas of life where it shows up and where your patterns are likely to take you next. Mirror To Mirror™ sits here too, mapping how your wiring and another's actually interact in relationships, your family, your friendships and your profession — which settles a great many arguments before they start.
- Phase three is rebuilding it. The Interference Series™ takes the six emotions one at a time and dismantles negative patterns at the source. The Shift™ then leads you through thirty days of deliberate construction across the six areas of your life, once that interference is gone.
None of the above is required to use it. The free app stands completely on its own, and it always will. The depth is there for the people who look at their patterns, see them clearly, and decide they want them gone for good.
The R U OK? Day connection: checking in on yourself
Do you think most people are equipped to notice when they're “not OK” in themselves? Is that a blind spot The Mirror™ is trying to close?
I think the biggest story all of us have been told is that if we're not okay, there's something wrong with us.
That's why so many don't want to look.
Nothing could be further from the truth. When you feel a negative emotion, it's your mind alerting you that something needs attention. It is the mind working perfectly; showing you what you do not want so you can then re-focus on what you do. What many miss is what to do from there.
The Mirror™ bridges the gap from woe-to-go, by giving you options as it happens. Feeling angry, these things could help. Feeling sad, try these. Over time you are able to talk through the issues and you get to the deeper stories they're hiding. By the time you get to The Neurological Vault™, you begin to understand who you are without the noise. Once your focus shifts in that way, life gets lighter and you start seeing change.
If R U OK? Day is about asking someone else “are you really OK?,” what's the equivalent question The Mirror™ helps people ask themselves?
The equivalent question is “why aren't you okay,” and The Mirror™ invites you to answer that honestly. No judgement, no bias, no rejection and no agenda. Just reflection on why the emotions are occurring, and perspective on what you can do to shift it.
A lot of self-sabotaging patterns hide behind “I'm fine.” What's it like watching someone recognise a pattern for the first time?
The light bulb moments are what I built this app for. The realisation of the inarguable fact that no matter how long they've been telling themselves a story, they have the choice in a moment to change it. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and admitting that you're not fine is the first step you need to take. The Mirror™ makes these initial steps possible, and what it leads to is nothing less than magic.
Checking in on others
Has building this changed how you personally check in on friends or family?
Well, I'm potentially more annoying now, being the walking talking mirror that I am, but I have it on good authority that I've always been that way. I've always known when someone isn't fine, and further to that, when they're fooling themselves. It doesn't make me popular, but it makes me effective. I've learned to approach it differently over the years, and this app makes it much less confrontational.
What's one thing you'd tell someone who's worried about a friend but doesn't know what to say?
Anyone who is worried about another has to understand that they're wrapped up in a story. More often than not they're afraid of judgement, and they're often terrified of being seen to be struggling. If you don't know what to say, that is why The Mirror™ exists. It's personal, it's private and it's presence without agenda. Given honest input of their emotions, struggles, hopes and happenings, it will lead them back to who they are.
The honest boundaries
The site is upfront that this isn't a crisis service. How do you think about that line? What's the difference between “a pattern I can work on” and “I need to talk to someone right now”?
The line for me comes down to safety.
Crisis is when you are not safe. When you're thinking about harming yourself, when someone else is putting you in danger, or when the feeling is so enormous that managing it yourself is no longer an option. In that moment you don't need perspective, you need a human, and that is okay. That is Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, and those numbers sit inside the app for exactly that reason.
What would you want someone to know before they start? Any cautions or realistic expectations?
I cannot stress enough the importance of honesty. No matter how ugly your feelings are. Honesty with yourself, honesty with the app, and an open mind about the feedback it brings. You are not compelled to act on what you see, only to consider the perspective it offers, and what it could mean to choose another way.
Wrapping up
If someone reads this on R U OK? Day and does just one thing afterward, what would you want it to be?
Take five minutes and try the free app. There's nothing to lose and nothing to fear. Arm yourself with the knowledge of what this is and what it offers to you and others. Give yourself the capacity to help, without the need for confrontation. One by one, we can help millions.
Where can people find The Mirror™?
www.lookinthemirror.com.au. Install the web app, use it free from there.
Less than two minutes, and you're making changes. Help three people, and we're changing the world.
An offer for our readers
To mark R U OK? Day, use code HomebodiiRUOK for 50% off any subscription — locked in for the lifetime of your subscription, unless you choose to cancel. Redeemable any time before 30 September.
If you need to talk to someone right now
The Mirror™ is a tool for interrupting patterns and freeing your mind of interference. It is not a crisis service or a substitute for human interaction.
Lifeline: 13 11 14
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732
In an emergency, call 000.
